Always. Every Time.

I have struggled with this for many years. From just it being a feeling, to the extent of its powerful weight on my body. As with every pain and trauma, it is stored somewhere in my body and keeping count of every interaction that touches its tenderness.

What I love about how God created me is that I am able to think deeply about things, so deep that I sometimes suffer existentialism, however, it is this very same ability that brings me revelations and healing for my suffering. I struggle with loneliness… And for a long time I did not quite know the cause nor the root. Loneliness to me isn’t being bored because I am alone, if anything I enjoy solitude. Loneliness to me is a demon that shuts my heart and mind from ever experiencing love and acceptance. It is a barrier to making and building meaningful connections. As you can imagine, I have a lot of people in my life who love and support me. I have many friends, many of which have reached family status.

It recently dawned on me that my suffering is in certain spaces and environments. Aha! I am not altogether lonely, the environment determines the intrusion of my suffering. I am realising that I am most lonely in places and spaces that do not give me the security to be authentic. When we talk about authenticity, people think we talk about a consistent personality. I can show up in different ways and still be myself. I am myself when I laugh out loud with my friends and I am myself when I am quiet. I am myself when my empathy pushes me to advocate for love and compassion for others, and I am myself when I am indifferent. The essence of my loneliness is when an environment is not conducive for me to choose who I want to be at a given time. When options are limited, and I can only explore a few… but still receive love and acceptance, that does not count to my soul. There is a time and place for everything, and my soul knows this… hence it wants to be whoever it needs to be when needed. When I am not authentic, I am not able to connect with people authentically, and my soul marks that as me being alone and rejected. This is a conundrum because as much as I choose to close myself off… the environment also chose that for me. So who do we heal first? Self. Yes, that’s correct. We encourage ourselves to push beyond the desire of acceptance and start being authentic at all times. Everyday . Always. Self fears and trembles when there is danger of rejection and ostracism… but self can learn that if she is not accepted as she is, she is not accepted at all.

Aha! That’s the first step to working out the suffering of loneliness, being authentic always. Pushing through exploring the beauty of being without fear. Loving self through vices and virtues. Embracing acceptance where given, and accepting rejection where offered.